Pieces
by lilabut
Summary: not continued
1. Thought I Could Do This On My Own

**This is something I wanted to write for almsot a week now, only I had no time. But I finally made it and I kinda like the way it turned out. **

**I just couldn´t get this What If question out of my head and I had to write down my own idea. **

**The part after the quote is an excerpt from the book. In the book, it is followed by Bella watching Jacob leave and you all know how the story continues then.....**

**I named the story after the song _Pieces_ by the band _Red_. It is really an amazing song and you should listen to it. Also, this chapter´s title is a quote from the song. I´ll probably continue that.**

**Well now, I hope you enjoy this :-)**

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Thought I Could Do This On My Own

According to legend, one day a man was wandering in the desert when he met Fear and Plague. They said they were on their way to a large city where they were going to kill 10,000 people. The man asked Plague if he was going to do all the work. Plague smiled and said, "No, I'll only take care of a few hundred. I'll let my friend Fear do the rest.

_**Anon**_

_„Yeah, Jake. I know that. And I already do count on you, probably more than you know."_

_The smile broke across his face the way the sunrise set the clouds on fire, and I wanted to cut my tongue out. I hadn't said one word that was a lie, but I should have lied. The truth was wrong, it would hurt him. I would let him down._

_A strange look crossed his face. "I really think I'd better go home now," he said……… (New Moon, page 218)  
_

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He slowly started to pull himself out of our embrace and I felt how stiff his arms suddenly felt around me and the tremble which flow through his arms caused goose bumps to raise on my skin, the feeling very similar to the one of a cat's purring right next to your ear. Today it wasn't very pleasant.

"Wait, Jake," I said with worry clearly stated in my voice as I clutched Jacob's arms which he withdrew from my body. He felt so unnaturally warm that it made my own blood boil.

"Let me drive you home. You honestly don't seem to be in the right condition to drive."

Apart from his obvious discomfort, Jacob gave me a mock smile and rolled his eyes at me.

"Bella, don´t worry. It´s just a little fever probably. I'll be home safely," he said with a voice that clearly told me he was lying. It was so very different from how it usually sounded to my ears, calming and comforting, warm and soothing. Now it was hard and absurdly loud. Another wave of goose bumps erupted on my skin and I could not feel angry for him lying to me. Instead I wrapped my arms around his waist and pushed myself close to him again, resting my cheek on his chest.

"Bella," he whispered with question in his voice as he rested his hands on my back, holding me in place.

"Why are you lying? Just let me drive you home. Please. I really don´t think it´s reasonable to let you drive alone." My voice was muffled since my lips half rested on Jacob's chest, just like my flushed cheek, boiled by his insane body temperature.

For a few seconds there was silence and all I felt was the increasing tremble in Jacob's arms, vibrating around my body.

"Okay, Bells. Maybe you're even right. I feel so… out of… well… doesn't matter. Let's go," he said and finally loosened our embrace, taking my hand in his and pulling me towards the Rabbit. I stopped but Jacob continued working until he felt my stiff arm and turned to face me.

"What?"

"Do you want me to walk home after dropping you, Jake? We'll take the truck," I said and pointed towards my beloved truck.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot about the… home journey," he said with a laughter that sounded more like the fake attention children give their grandparents once they are told the same story over and over again. This time I did not ask any further questions, knowing all too well that Jacob would not admit too much weakness in front of me.

I slipped my hand out of his and made my way to the truck, the force of opening the door almost knocking me off my feet. Only my hands clutching to the knob saved me from another embarrassing contact with the ground. Careful not to repeat such a almost-disaster, I climbed into the driver's seat and turned my head to see Jacob standing right where I had left him, his eyes focused on nothing, just staring into nothingness, his hands balled to fists, trembling now just as his arms did.

"Jake?"

I could almost see the way my voice hit him like a brick when his eyes twitched nervously and then focused on me, his lids blinking rapidly.

"Sorry, I'm coming," he said and walked around the truck to sit next to me, his pace slower than it usually was, but still, he hurried to climb into the car. From the corner of my eye I saw his fists resting on his thighs, the skin over his knuckles almost a touch of white, compared to the rest of his dark, russet skin.

I started the car and tried to concentrate on driving, doing my best to ignore Jacob sitting next to me, tense and covered in sweat. But with every metre we moved forward it became harder to not be aware of his presence. The heat of his skin was radiating through the car, causing a light film of sweat to erupt over my lips, his heavy breathing like a scream to my ears for it was the only thing I could hear apart from my own rapid, nervous heartbeat and the sounds of my old truck. I stuck out my tongue and carefully licked over the salty flesh above my mouth, the taste making my nose wrench in disgust.

My hands clutched to the steering wheel and I couldn't help comparing the pale white of my knuckles with the darker shade of Jacob's. As my eyes hit his lap, I saw how hard his legs were shaking now and the sweat made it hard for him to keep his hands formed to fists.

Focusing on the dark street again I told myself over and over that we would be at Jacob's house in only a few minutes from now. I knew he wouldn't feel better than but at least, I would not be alone with him anymore. Too much responsibly seemed to rest upon my shoulders at that moment and the undeniable fear in me made my own body shiver. Also, this seemed like something very different than a stomach flu. Rather like something more serious. When my curiosity won control over me and I allowed myself to eye Jacob's face from the corner of my eye for just a second, nausea threatened to overcome me. He was so pale, but at the same time his cheeks were flushed in a deep shade of red and sweat dropped from his nose and chin right into his lap, his jaw tight and his eyes fixed on the street without blinking.

Quickly I turned to face the street again, my hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel.

"Bella, pull over," Jacob's voice suddenly broke the silence and the sound of it didn't help to reassure me that it was just a stomach flu that had taken hold on him. His voice was not louder than a whisper. But the agonizing force with which he seemed to press it out of his lungs cut me deeper than the crystal shards back at my last, doomed birthday party. Somehow, Jacob's pain overshadowed my own, the clinging and ripping in my chest which used to tear me apart every time my mind dared to wander through my past was un present and like an oddly faint memory.

"Bella, pull over – now!"

I almost jumped off my seat as Jacob's now rough and threatening voice ordered me.

Without even really recognizing where we were, I pulled my truck over and stomped on the brake with all my strength. My torso was slotted forward and the immediately pushed back into the seat. A numb pain fizzled through my head as it hit the back of my seat and for a second, I lost eyesight. When it returned, I only had time enough to see Jacob moving fast next to me, unfastening his seatbelt and literally jumping out of the truck.

"Jake!" I yelled after him but he was already disappearing into the darkness of the nearby forest, his legs shaking and his motion unsteady and weak.

I desperately fumbled with my seatbelt until it was finally open, nervous sweat now erupting on my forehead.

"Come on," I mumbled as the car door on my side just wouldn't open. "Damn it!"

Careful not to break all my bones I climbed over the passenger seat and stumbled out of the car, loosing my balance in the process and dropping on my knees.

"Au!"

I felt my jeans drench around my knees and pulled myself up to a standing position as fast as possible without getting too dizzy. Eying the damage I could barely see anything in the dark and so I trusted that the slight stinging and the wet feeling meant that my jeans had not quite survived this little stunt, neither the skin on my knee. But all this was forgotten, when I started to move forward into the darkness, following Jacob between the high, dark and threatening trees, something inside me telling me to stay right were I was now and drive back home. But the last thing on my mind was to leave Jacob alone in the forest, obviously sick and without control over his body.

And so I stumbled over branches and leaves, careful not to fall down again, my pace quickening with every passing second.

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**So, tell me if you want me to continue this. I have some ideas on how this might turn out....**


	2. Just Scattered Pieces Of Who I Am

Fist of all - **WOW** - Thank you all so much for the very **inspiring and motivating reviews**. I was stunned when I checked my mails ;-)

So, I will **definitely continue** this and here we go for the second time; **I hope you enjoy reading it** as much as I enjoyed writing it.

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Just Scattered Pieces Of Who I Am

Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.

_**Chinese Proverb**_

„Jake!" I yelled into the darkness, my feet aching from the unleashed force with which I pushed them farther into the woods, my hope fading slowly with every breath I took and each tree I passed, towering over me like a threatening shadow, pulling me into the void that followed me, chasing me farther into the unknown.

Despair and fear grew more and more apparent as the cold wind blew through my hair, the goose bumps all over my skin such a contrast to my sweat-covered forehead to which my hair stuck uncomfortably, half covering my left eye.

"Jacob!"

I was breathing brutally hard, my heartbeat almost a steady tone rather than a rhythmic pulse.

He was nowhere to be seen, although the darkness made it hard to make out anything smaller than the size of a tree, but still I knew I would be aware of his presence.

Nothing made sense to me at this moment, this ridiculous chase through the nightly forest. Why did he run away from me?

The memory of his pale, corpse-like face just before he leaped into the night, away from me, was worse than all my nightmares. The nightmares –

My heart skipped a beat when I suddenly became aware of how strangely and painfully familiar this situation was to me, to my memory. My nightmare. The forest, night, despair and fear. Only this time, it was not _him_ I was looking for, running after, desperately trying to bring back into my life, knowing all too well that all I would eventually find would only be an illusion, gone as soon as my scream would wake me and force me back into another worthless day filled only with the dull ticking of each second, each minute, each hour until I would again end up chasing a ghost through the woods, only to once again find nothing but a faint memory.

Agonizing fear filled every nerve in my body as that thought crossed my mind. My life appeared to rarely take a normal, average course and so the sudden fear of loss boiled in my heart and I pushed my sore legs faster, screaming and yelling Jacob's name into the darkness, never receiving an answer.

He could not have disappeared and considering his physical condition I doubted that he could outrun me much longer, even though time passed around me without me realizing that it did. Hours, minutes – I couldn't tell how long I had been running.

What made me wonder was that I had not fallen since I had stepped between the trees. Somehow my fear seemed to carry me, adrenaline replacing my blood with each beat of my heart, dulling out my aching muscles and any sign of weakness or surrender.

Whatever had happened with him, it had come suddenly and struck hard. The look and his face, the force with which he seemed to hold his body together – it seemed to be such an agony, such a burden and so other-worldly.

I would not loose him. Not him, too.

Over these past months, he had become the only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning and facing the day with at least a bit of fragile strength. He had given me something to look forward to, something to be excited about. And now, he had promised to stay with me, to be by my side and to always take care of me and as selfish as it seemed and how little time had passed since that promise had been made – I already relied on it. I needed Jacob, my heart needed him, even though I broke mine and his by claiming his soothing presence. The hurt which was sometimes hidden behind his sun-raising smile was cutting me as deep as him, knowing that it was my fault and also knowing that Jacob would never blame me.

Loosing him would end me. Once and for all. And that I knew and it made me forget everything around me, all natural fears that come up once you run through a menacing forest at night.

Deep inside my head, somewhere hidden and buried behind pain and memories I tried to cling to and at the same time prevented to become too clear in my head, awoke and I knew what was about to come before I heard it. _His_ voice.

"Did you forget what I told you?"

The pain in my legs suddenly became much more apparent to me and I could feel my pace slow down a little as soon as the first word was lulled into my mind by his velvet voice, sheathing me with a strangely cold warmth and the usual pain of knowing that it was not him but only an imagination, a desperate try of my mind to keep something of my lost past. But it made me angry this time because it slowed me down and forced my invisible cover of strength to disappear slowly.

"What was it you told me?" I asked while trying to maintain my speed and condition, once and again tripping over branches now.

"I told you not to wander through the forests alone. Do you remember what I said?"

I wanted to say ´´no´ but somehow my voice was being pressed into my throat and a burning ache rippled through me but still, I fought. Fought to keep going because I knew what depended on it. This time, not everything was about _him_. There was something else that held a piece of my heart now and it was this piece that had all my attention at this moment. And for once and against my own realization, I wished for _his_ shadow to disappear. To not interfere.

"Bella, stop. Return to your car before it gets even darker. Remember what I told you."

With all my strength left which was not centred in my legs I shook my head.

"Go," was all I said. And go he did. It was so easy. Too easy.

He had left me before and to get him back, if even just the shadow of a memory of him, was hard and harshly said, life-threatening. I had to break my promise and risk everything to just hear a vision of him. A vision in which he still cared, was still worried about me, protecting me. And to get rid of that, _me_ sending _him_ away – it was so much easier. My order – his command.

One thing that did not vanish was the sudden burst of reality that had struck me after hearing the so familiar and still so foreign voice. The pain and exhaustion. Surprisingly I couldn't feel any pain in my legs. They were numb and felt like rubber stuck to my hips. Unreal and not belonging to me.

My feet on the other hand burned as if I had been walking across lava, my ribcage seemingly burst apart with every breath that I had to force down my aching lungs. Salty tears had drenched the skin on my face and the rush of cold wind against it felt like sandpaper being grinded against my cheeks. My dry mouth stood open, my tongue glued to my palatine.

With a feeling of surrender I had to admit that I could not keep this up for much longer. There was no way could run like this for another minute. After all I was weak. But what made me shiver apart from the cold was the fact that Jacob had either taken a very different path than I had or I had been missing him, lost in my adrenaline rush. The first possibility was rather unrealistic. The path I was running on, if could call it a path after all, was, as far as I could see, the only sane way to cross the forest. The second possibility scared me because I knew, or thought to know, the consequences of that. Maybe I could have found him much sooner and by that, helped him much sooner. But could I turn back now?

What scared me as well was the fact that both possibilities combined created a new one. One which was even more ridiculous. He was still running. Still ahead of me. But how? How should that be possible? He might be a little fitter than me, but his hell-like condition seemed to be more than a valid reason to doubt that theory.

Maybe my very first one was right, in a different way than what I had thought first. Maybe he lost the path… even worse. How was I suppose to find him in here? After all, I didn't even know how to get back to my car by myself.

For the second time, I was lost, alone, left behind in the forest at night.

The stabbing in my chest finally forced me to abruptly stop my legs and by doing so, my feet hit a rotten branch that crossed my way and before I even felt the pain caused by the collusion my shaking body hit the ground. Immediately I felt wetness drenching my clothes and the pain all over my body was so omnipresent that I thought for a second, that this would not turn out to be a long fight – just in case that this time, nobody found me. Because this time, nobody knew. Nobody had been sneaking in my house to fake a note to Charlie, informing him about where I was. What Charlie knew was that I had been at the cinema with Mike and Jacob. He would eventually find out about the early end of that trip and Jacob taking me back home after dropping off Mike. And then he would loose my trail. They would find my truck, abandoned at the side of the road. They would search for me. And at that point, it would probably already be too late. At least, that was what I concluded as the waves of pain throbbed through my body.

_He_ would not save me this time, not even in that kind of an uninvolved way as he had after leaving me.

_Remember what I told you_…

It was not the shadow in my head but the memory of it that sounded around me now. Would this be the last thing I ever heard him say?

And then, I did what he had told me to do. Or better, what _it_ had told me to do. I remembered.

"_I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there…"_

I had never really given much thought to what he had said that day, so long ago, but now it seemed to finally sink in. Now that I was alone again, lost and without a trace.

What had he been talking about?

I was ripped out of my trance when I heard the cracking of wood and the familiar sound of movement between the bushes and undergrowth. Fear seemed to petrify me and apart from the cold, sweat started to cover my ice-cold skin. But this state only lasted a few seconds before I heard something that released me of that prison built by my fear. A heavy breath, the rasping intake of air and low but heavy footsteps, feet being pulled over the ground.

"Jacob," I murmured as loud as my raspy throat would allow me and with the fragment of strength that was left in my sore, aching, screaming limbs I pushed my self a up a little and my heart started to race even faster when my eyes adjusted to the darkness again and I heard a familiar, but also changed and marked voice whispering an answer to my call.

"Bella."

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So, please tell me what you think.

The next chapter will be a little more **exciting** and there will be **some interaction** between Bella and Jacob. **So stay tuned ;-)**


	3. Then I See Your Face

Again: **THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU** for all those amazing reviews you write. I am **so happy** about each one of them.

This took me a while again, but I put a lot of work into it and I hope you like the way it turned out. be prepared for **some Jake & Bells goodness**.... for a moment... at least.... better than nothing... ;-)

**Enjoy it!**

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Then I See Your Face

A level of despair is reached, where people are willing to die to punish their tormentors.

_**William Kammeraad-Campbell**_

Slowly the darkness revealed his face and it made my insides twist with fear and worry. The weak rest of moonlight which fought it´s way through the roof of trees above us ignited his face and it was pale, sweat-covered and the way his eyes rolled from left to right was making me shiver. He was so restless, confused and uncoordinated, tripping over branches, his arms flying around as if he tried to hold onto the air around him. Like a lunatic. So _un_like him.

I seriously wondered how he had made it this far, even returned – on the other hand, maybe he didn't return after all since he didn't seem to be in a condition to actually judge where he was walking.

"Jake?" I said slowly while I pushed myself on my aching feet, struggling with balance myself.

Once my voice broke the dull silence his eyes rushed to focus on me, slightly looking for me in the dark for a second. His unsafe movements stopped and I rushed to reach him, carefully paying attention to not fall down on my way.

The look on his face was beyond my capability to identify and it scared me even more for it was impossible for me to make out what he felt or wanted.

But before I could think any further he answered me. And the answer was gut-wrenching, ripping the hole in my chest further apart, destroying the thin scars where Jacob had tied it together with so much devotion and care. But now – now he was rejecting me, reaching out his long arms in front of him, nonverbally telling me to stay away from him.

A million thoughts ran through my mind and in a matter of seconds I tried to figure out what to do, how to react. He obviously didn't want me to come any closer but then again – how often had I rejected him without him accepting it, holding on, trying to convince me, wanting me to see – see him. Never had he given up on me, his faith and his trust in me never fading. Maybe, after all, I should start to imitate his trust and his longing for a future were we could be closer than now, without this golden-eyed obstacle between us. Imitate – yes. But truly share? No. For me, this would never be something to forget about. But just for now I gathered all my strength and pushed aside all doubts and the pain of being rejected.

"Jake?"

His arms were still outstretched and his legs were shaking so hard it hurt to just bare witness.

"Stay away from me!" he said louder than my name had come from his lips, more determined – but I would not give up. Not this time.

"No, Jake. Please… let me help you. What's wrong?"

Every step brought me closer to him and when we were only a few feet apart he took a step back, trying to give us more space. But he failed in his attempt and before I could react in any way, he fell flat on his back and remained laying on the damp ground.

"Jake!" I yelled in shock of his weakness and in a matter of seconds I was by his side, kneeling next to his chest which was heaving so brutally hard that every breath he took hurt me, knowing how very exhausting it was for him.

"Jacob, please," I whispered with tears of despair in my eyes and carefully, afraid to scare him away again, I reached out my hand and rested it against his cheek. Shock and another rush of adrenaline ran through my body as his body heat felt like fire against my fingers.

I did not withdrew, though. He needed me and after all the heat was endurable. This was clearly no fever or stomach flu, that much was obvious.

"Bella… please… leave," Jacob whispered while his eyes searched mine, a look of fear and pain mixed with a terrifying expression of loss in them. He didn't want me to leave, I could see. Being alone would be unbearable for him. So why did he tell me to leave then?

"Jake, what is going on?"

"Bella – leave!"

I shivered as he yelled at me, a violent tremble running through his body but I couldn't… somehow my hand was glued to his skin.

"No, Jake. I'm not going anywhere without you. Please, let me help you."

Tears were now streaming down my face and after a few seconds they quietly dropped onto Jacob's shirt.

"You can't help me. Go, please. I … this is … you're not safe."

"Why shouldn't I be safe? You're with me. Don´t you know…"

"Know what?"

I hesitated, unsure of what whether or not I should really tell him what I felt.

"Bella…"

"Jake, I feel safe with you. All the time. Only with you. I need you. So… please… don´t send me away. Don´t leave me alone … you promised… I…"

My voice broke as more tears escaped from my eyes and fell onto Jacob's heaving chest.

"Bella…"

All rational thoughts left my head as I clearly thought about what it would mean for me if I lost Jacob. After all, he was all that I had left.

My eyes fell closed, surrendering the heavy tears that were caught between my lashes and I lowered my body until my head and chest rested against Jacob's chest.

For a second he was stiff and no sign of reaction was to be seen, fear becoming even more present.

I desperately grabbed his shirt, clinging to it, my fingers aching from the force. And then – he moved underneath me and a second later, I felt his burning arms around me, pulling me closer to him.

Every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, his body temperature, his scent, the feeling of being so close to him, the angry tremble which caused me to move just as it did him, too violent to be defeated – no matter what was going on around me, for the first time in so long I felt home. I knew that this was were I was supposed to be, probably had been all the time. Here in his arms. Jacob. Never had I felt so warm and – right. With _him_ I had always felt so weak, my self-esteem lower than healthy. Because compared to _him_, nobody could even be called… well, no words could even reach his level.

But now – this was different.

Quietly I sobbed into Jacob's shirt, inhaling his woodsy scent with each of my now calming breath, all my former hesitations and concerns washed away.

"Bella… I won't ever leave you. Always.. I'll always be… with you… but this is.… I… I need you, too. But… please… you have to go now. This is too dangerous… for you."

"Jake, what are you talking about? You are the one who is sick, not me. I got to take you to a hos-"

"I'm not sick, Bella."

"Jake –"

"No, Bella. Let me finish… I… I have no idea what is going on… but… nothing hurts… I just feel… out of… I can't… it feels like… something inside me… I don´t know… it feels as if I'm… loosing my mind. You really need to get away from me."

"Jake, I won't leave you. You didn't – I mean, you never left me, either," I said with determination and my eyes opened, freeing the last tears buried behind my lids. Painfully slow they ran down my flushed cheeks and I lifted my head once they had reached the sweat and tear-drenched material of Jacob's shirt. He met my eyes and I stopped moving my head, my heart beating faster again.

"Jake, please. I need you."

My fingers were shaking brutally hard as they met the sticky, sweat-covered skin of Jacob's cheek and as soon as they touched my whole body clamed down, a feeling of completeness flowing through me.

His dark eyes were still marked with some kind of foreign agony but they seemed slightly brighter now, his shaking hands now gently moving up and down my back, warming me, sending chills through me.

"Bells…"

Hearing him whispering my name like that, full of peace, warmth but now still etched with concern, warmed my blood even more than his touch and my chest and stomach seemed to contract for a second, taking me to some far-away place, a place long forgotten. A place of happiness.

"Jake…"

My own whisper seemed so random and dull compared to his but it was all my weak voice and heart could conjure. I also seriously doubted that I would ever be able of such devotion. But my heart ached for something, some way to show him, to give him back at least something of what he had given me. And so I closed my eyes again, trying to pretend that this was a more appropriate place and time and with careful movements I lowered my head until I felt my lips touch skin. I didn't care where, nothing mattered to me at this moment.

"Bells…"

I felt Jacob move slightly underneath my touch and it now felt as if my lips had found his jaw. Before I could force myself to part from him I felt him move faster and my eyes shot open when soft, warm and trembling lips replaced the salty, rough skin. The moment I opened my eyes I met his, looking at me with so much devotion that I would bet everything in the world that my heart doubled it´s already rapid pace, never stopping, but beating faster.

My eyes closed at the same time his did and need pulled me closer to him as our lips gently moved against each other, new tears forcing their way down my cheeks, sticking on Jacob's cheek. Tears which in no way contented sadness or grief.

Jacob's hand brushed up my back until it rested against my neck and pulled me closer, my hands clinging to him again, trying not to loose my ground, the sensation filling my every nerve.

And then – everything suddenly happened too fast for me to catch up. All I knew was that I was almost violently pushed onto the ground next to where we had been laying, my back pressed into a branch, pain running from the connection point to my feet but I tried to ignore it, pushing myself up on my now numb legs, seeing Jacob standing nearby, his hands in fist, his face pale and full of concentration, his whole body trembling so brutally hard.. If I hadn't known any better I would have said it looked as if he was trying to hold himself together. Literally.

"Jake?" I said with confusion in my voice, trying to play down my pain and worry as I approached him once again.

He never answered me. Or at least, I never heard him answer me. Because only a second later, when we were only about a metre apart from each other, my eyes suddenly tricked me, something about the picture changing too fast for me to catch and before I even realized the change, there was nothing to be seen anymore, something dark, but not black taking the sight from me, a strangled voice, first warped and strangely human but then – different. But all this happened at the same time and only a quarter of a heartbeat later, all I felt and heard and saw and _was_, was pain.

Everywhere, omnipresent, dragging me into the darkness…

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**I am so mean ;-) So, let me know what you think. You really make my day and it motivates me a lot.**


	4. A Thousand Miles Away From You

You guys are **totally killing me** with all your amazing reviews. I feel **so honored** that you all take the time to let me know your opinion and I appreciate it more than I could ever put into words.

This is a **rather short chapter** which I wrote in school, but I thought I should rather not wirte more and instead split it, making the next chapter longer and more... alone. It **will be a very important**, at least for Bella - so I thought it should get the right attention.

**Now, enjoy this!**

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A Thousand Miles Away From You

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

_**Sir Winston Churchill**_

Slowly and with each passing second, each of my heartbeats, loud in my ears, drumming steadily inside my head, realization started to sink in. Still, it took me a while until I realized that I was the one in control of my breathing, the darkness in front of my eyes uncomfortable, the desire to open my eyes almost too mighty to resist. I was awake and for some reason I felt as if I had just slept through a night, enough hours to technically refill my strength but still I felt weak and tired as if I had not been sleeping at all. Most of the time this was a sign of too much sleep, a lazy night spent with unnecessary hours in non-existence.

What made me curious was the fact that I could not remember going to bed. In fact, it took me longer than usual to discover my last memory of being awake and conscious. After a second I saw Mikes face in front of my inner eye, a touch of jealousy etched onto his handsome but still boyish features. Mike…Oh, right. Cinema with Mike and Jacob, the failed attempt of a "group date" and that gross, ridiculous movie we had – Jacob.

With a flash everything was back. His hot skin, his shaking and trembling body, pale and sweaty face, the unsteady movements with which he had outran me, me running after him through the dark forest, finding him, refusing to leave him, denying all his demands, my feelings and the way my heartbeat had suddenly raced when I touched him, the taste of his salty skin, the touch of his soft lips moving against mine, the feeling of being home and safe with him… and then everything was suddenly covered with a blanket of dust, blurry and unreal. Gone were the vivid memories, the feelings they caused in me - all of this was now replaced by a state of shock and fear. I felt my body start to shiver, only now aware of how stiff it actually felt, sore and numb, my breathing and heartbeat increasing, sweat erupting out of every single pore, my mind, filled with agonizing confusion, racing and working so hard to recall what had happened.

"Bella?"

It was quiet, far away, dull and unreal in my ears but it was definitely there – my name, spoken by a voice which sounded vaguely familiar to me but still too foreign to identify. A stranger I knew… who it was – I couldn't tell. All I knew was that it was male and in some weird way my mind, or rather the subconscious part of it, connected it with darkness, loneliness and… pain.

None of this helped me to calm down, the sudden too-present beeping, too close, too loud, driving my mind into a blizzard of anger and pain mixed with the frustration of the foggy unknown.

There seemed to be no strength left in my entire body and for longer than I could stand I fought with my muscles, desperately trying to open my eyes, to free me from this oblivion.

And then something happened that caused my mind to practically leap forward. From one second to the other my forehead was on fire, burning without any kind of warning. But instead of the natural reaction, a scream or a flinching move as an answer to the pain, my body calmed down, the burning soothing me, giving me a feeling of hope.

And within the second everything came back.

Jacob pushing me away, the pain that had caused my limbs to turn numb as I collided with a branch… Jacob's violently trembling body, the agony on his face and then… something I only now could see in my memory since it had happened too fast in reality for me to realize. But more than ever I was sure that my mind was playing tricks with me, because what I saw was… horrifying, unreal and just… not… no… maybe this was just a dream or my memory tried to convince me that this nightmarish pictures had actually taken place. But the pain… after all this memory seemed too vivid and too real to be fake… it had been _there_…

"Bella?"

Wait… I really did know this voice… where… and then it hit me once again and the realization almost knocked me out. All I could see was _his_ face, _his_ eyes filled with such a foreign expression, the agonizing picture as _he_ ran into the forest, leaving me, no footprints, tearing my heart apart in the process, taking the pieces with _him_… the darkness that surrounded me as I laid on the cold, damp forest ground, all will to live sucked out of me… this voce… it had been there that night… it had been what had brought me back to reality. Back to loneliness… back to the void…

"Bella? I´m Sam Uley. Bella?"

Was this all a dream, some joke my brain was making? Maybe, whatever had happened in the forest with Jacob had done something to my brain… maybe I was turning lunatic. What other explanation was there? Why should he be here, wherever I was? Why should he find me again? Once again…

"Bella? Are you awake?"

Good question… was I? Somehow I felt like it – I was too aware of myself to be asleep, but still I could not quite define which state I was in.

"Bella, open your eyes," Sam Uley said, the burning on my forehead suddenly disappearing, leaving me in utter confusion and pain once again, a state close to panic and before I could even try to think about what to do, I felt my eyelids open on their own behalf. It hurt and it felt as if each of my lashed carried a ton of bricks, making it almost impossible for me to even move them a millimetre.

But by some miracle I could. They slowly did open, light penetrating the darkness, burning my eyes. Blinking hard I tried to focus on something, trying to find out what was going on.

I almost expected to find myself under the cover of the night sky, laying lifelessly on the forest ground once again, Sam Uley hovering over me… In the end it was only that last part which came true.

When my eyes started to adjust to the sudden wave of bright light, I could make out the large and, compared to all the rest, dark frame of a man, his face becoming more clear with each heavy blink I forced myself to make.

It was indeed Sam Uley, at least I was more than sure he was since my mind and heart refused to recall more than really necessary information on what had happened that night last year. And Sam Uley`s face sure enough had not left any real impression on my mind. I vaguely thought to remember his look but gave up as soon as it was finally clear for me to look at in reality.

And what I saw was worry. But what struck me was that the worry did not only seem to be meant for me. He looked as if his mind was somewhere else, far away, devoted to something with so much more value than… well, why was he supposed to worry about me, anyways? What was he doing here?

* * *

**Yeah, what is he doing there? Probably more obvious to us than it is to Bella ;-)**


	5. Like Puzzle Pieces In Your Eye

I really have to **apologize** that it took me a while. Stress at school and I also really had to continue my other Jake & Bells story here. But now, I **managed to get this done**.

As always, I could **hug you all** for your awsome reviews. I really don´t know what else to say.

**Enjoy it!**

* * *

Like Puzzle Pieces In Your Eye

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

_**Søren Kierkegaard**_

„Bella? How do you feel?"

My eyes fell closed on their own behalf but every time I gathered the strength to open them again, fighting against unconsciousness. I tried to answer him, but it was complicated to speak, as if I had forgotten how it worked. Strange noises came from my throat and I coughed several times before vocal chords finally seemed to wake up and work again. Still, my voice sounded awkward and foreign to me when my answer broke the silence in the room.

"Where am I? What…"

"You're in hospital, Bella. I know you wonder why I'm here. It´s okay. Your father is here, too. He's just down in the cafeteria. He'll be back soon. But – I…. I need to talk to you and I know that you are probably not in the right condition, but it´s necessary. Especially before you talk to anybody else. Bella, I need you to honestly answer me a question, okay? Can you do that?"

It took me a few seconds to comprehend what he had been saying but once the words had been spoken, I started to perceive the room around me. The bed I was laying in and the source of the annoying beeping sound I had heard earlier. Machines, next to my bed.

Remembering Sam Uley`s question I turned my eyes back to him and nodded, trying to understand what he could possibly want from me.

"Bella, do you remember what happened? How you ended up here? And please, answer me honestly. I already know everything, Bella. You… there is no need to protect him."

In this moment I remembered what Jacob had been telling me about Sam and his "_gang_" and fear overcame me, making my numb limbs shiver.

"Bella, it´s okay. He knows I'm here. I know what he told you about me and believe me, he regrets thinking about me and the others like that. He just didn't understand before."

"He does now?" I asked with a little poison in my voice, trying to make me appear stronger than I felt.

"Yes, Bella. He does."

And then it hit me. Everything again. What had happened and what it meant. I had totally forgotten about all that since seeing Sam Uley here, in hospital, next to my bed.

"Jacob? Where is he, is he alright? What did… what was… is he okay?"

My voice was now high-pitched with fear and I talked faster than I knew I could, trying to sit up a little but a sharp pain in my chest forced me to lay back into the pillow.

"Bella, calm down. He is fine. He is… answer my question, please. Then I can explain everything."

My mind was racing. Was it worth it? Was he really what he pretended to be? Could I trust him? After all, what was I trying to tell myself? Of course I would risk it. Just the chance to find out what had happened to Jacob was worth the risk.

"I was… well, Jacob and me and Mike Newton… we were at cinema… and then Mike got the stomach flu and we brought him home… and then Jacob was… well he seemed to have some kind of fever… he was… burning…. And he said… he said he didn't feel sick, just wrong… and…. Well I brought him… I didn't want him to drive home alone so I insisted on driving him… but… he looked worse and worse with each second and… then he yelled at me to stop the car and he ran off, into… into the forest… I… I followed him… but I couldn't… he was gone… I… I was so exhausted and I tripped and… well he came back and we… well… he looked so bad and I… I tried to soothe him and then… then it gets blurry….I fell… and he was… he was shaking so hard and I… I wanted to help him and then… then everything disappears… I felt pain and then…" My voice trailed off into silence and I tried hard to keep focused on Sam Uley`s face, which was mustering me with concern.

"Is that all, Bella? Nothing more?"

_No_, was what I wanted to say. But could I? It was ridiculous after all. Not even true – or was it? Just a joke my brain was playing with me.

"Bella?"

I shook my head, trying to avoid eye contact now. He was so intimidating. So… scary.

"Are you sure?"

My head kept shaking from right to left, only now it meant that this was no question I was about to answer. He might end up thinking I was turning insane.

"Was it an animal you saw, Bella?"

I abruptly turned my head to face Sam Uley, who was still towering over me, his intense gaze making me nervous once again. But now, I nodded. Nothing more.

He sighed and like a miracle to me, his eyes seemed to soften and he sat down on a chair next to my bed, obviously relaxing more.

"Bella… do you… This is probably going to be hard but.. it´s necessary. I am a hundred percent sure that you knew what… what the Cullens were, right?"

He hesitated before mentioning their name and when the simple word left his mouth it sounded like a curse, full of poison and hate.

The familiar stabbing pain which used to penetrate me at the mention of this name never came and it made me feel bad in a way. Because I couldn't explain.

And how could he know?

"Yes."

"And Bella, you…It was Jacob who told you, right? That day at the beach. He told you about our legends and the cold ones, and the treaty…"

"How do you…."

"He… he told me. In a way. That doesn't matter now. Just answer me."

"Yes, he did. But, what does that matter now?"

"Do you remember anything apart from the… vampire legends?"

Again my mind was racing, trying to remember what Jacob had told me that day. At First Beach… He had told me who he was and I was flirting with him…. He told me…. the cold ones…. The Cullens… that weird treaty of theirs…the protec….

My mind, my every pore was suddenly filled with fear and shock, my eyes staring at Sam who's own expression looked strangely relieved as he saw my apparent memory etched to my face.

"I guess you do remember then?"

My breathing became rapid, my numb fingers trying to form fists, interrupted by tubes that covered parts of the skin there.

"No… I mean… what I saw that night… he was…"

"He was Bella. We all are. It´s…," he began slowly, his voice hesitant and careful.

"No…"

"It´s okay, Bella."

"No, I mean…. What happened?"

For the first time since I woke up I saw some sign of weakness on his strong face again. The same worry, now mixed with pain and a sense of anger.

"He… he… well, he _phased_, Bella. It´s all rather difficult to explain. And now is not the time. But, you were… you were too close, Bella. He couldn't control it anymore and you were… in his _way_, in a way…. That´s why… well, Bella when we are phased, we can…. Hear each other's thoughts. And I… well I knew immediately what had happened and came to help him… and you… I brought you here. We had to make up a story, though. Bella…."

"What?"

"Bella, he… there was nothing he could do… he… you are…. Bella he hurt you…. And we… we told everybody that you were … attacked by a bear while hiking…"

"But Mike… he was with us…"

"We already talked to him. Don´t worry Bella. I will explain everything to you at a later point. But for now you need to… stick to the story…. But for now I thinks it´s also plausible if you don´t… remember too much, you know what I mean?"

I nodded, everything spinning in front of my eyes, making me dizzy. This was all unreal – another joke. I didn't get it.

"Bella, he is…. He feels… he wasn't here once since that happened…."

"Why? Is he really alright?"

"Bella, he is fine. But he feels… guilty for what happened. For not keeping you safe. I guess he feels it´s inappropriate for him to be here… There are other reason, as well but… not now…"

"That´s ridiculous. You said that –"

"I know. But…. It´s difficult Bella. Can't explain it now… no time… it would.. take a while… Just…well, your father is coming. Remember what I told you, okay?"

Confused and dizzy I nodded as Sam Uley rose from his chair and crossed the room in a few seconds before he turned around to face me.

"I'll explain everything to you, I promise. And….I am so sorry, Bella," and with that, he left the room and me, all alone. With everything. And nothing.

* * *

Sooo, in the next chapter we (_or better you ;-)_) will hear a little more on **what exactly happened**. And I am sure all of you understand why it was **so hard for Sam **to talk with Bella about this.

Please tell me what you think. **No matter what you think** ;-)


	6. I’ve Lost So Much Along The Way

So, here we go again. This is not all of the necessary information on what was going on, because this is told from what Charlie knows. And as you all know - he only knows the **cover story**. But most of you wanted to know about **Bella´s injuries** - you´ll find the **answer in this chapter**.

Also,** I made a trailer** for this story and I would be happy if you would watch it ;-)

**You can find it here (**_proper link on my profile_**):**

**.com/watch?v=TgD2Emo6DKA**

* * *

I've Lost So Much Along The Way

I believe that sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it.

_**Garrison Keillor**_

After he left I laid there alone for about a minute, nothing except my breathing and the steady beeping sound interrupting the dull silence. My eyes were fixed on the place where Sam Uley had just disappeared through the door, my mind spinning like mad, my eyelids heavy with the weight of exhaustion and still much needed rest, even though I felt as if I had slept for over a decade.

The desire to just close my eyes and drift back off into sleep was overwhelming but the need to stay awake, at least for as long as possible and necessary, was way stronger and took control over my tired muscles.

My entire body felt as if it was made of some unstable material, numb and foreign. Like a stranger to me.

Just as I decided to move my eyes from the door down my body in order to might see what exactly was wrong with me, I saw the doorknob move and a second later, my father's face peeked around the bright white door.

"Bella? You're awake!" he said with a strange mixture of fear, relief and worry.

All I could do was nodding weakly, another stabbing in my chest causing me to moan quietly as Charlie quickly entered the room and closed the door behind him. He heard my painful moan and rushed over to the side of my bed which had previously been occupied by Sam Uley. The contrast between these two men was so obvious that it made me feel like an entirely different person now that it was Charlie I was looking at.

He eyed me with parental concern, his hand resting on my right shoulder now.

"Stay still, Bella," he said, obviously trying to keep his voice calm, failing disastrously as he did.

"Dad…," I started, my voice only a whisper now, my eyes looking for his, hoping to find an answer to my questions, answers I could only partly find.

"Bella, everything is alright."

"What… what happened, Dad?" I asked, trying to sound as dull as I felt.

"Bella, it´s okay. Don´t worry about that now."

He withdrew his hand from my shoulder and sat down next to me, his eyes still fixed on me, observing my every breath.

"Dad… please. What… where… what is going on?"

My eyelids fluttered as I put all my despair into each word, begging my father for something – something I had no real idea about.

"Bella… maybe it´s better if you rest a while. At least… a little more. Adjust to… everything."

His eyes suddenly avoided mine and instead spun around the room without a real direction.

"Dad… what is it? What happened? Dad?"

With all the strength I could find in me I managed to raise my voice a little for the last word, urging my father to turn his attention back to me.

"Bella… I… I think I should get a doctor. You were… gone for a while… I'm sure they'll want to know…," he said while his voice turned more inaudible with each word, finally drifting into silence, his eyes now fixed on the bed, still avoiding me.

Panic overwhelmed me. _Gone for a while_. I had not considered how long I had been unconscious – I knew it must have been… well, _a while_. I felt so exhausted by it. By sleep. By not being conscious.

"Dad, please."

The desperate beg in my voice, now a hundred percent true and honest, finally melted Charlie's mask and when our eyes met his again I felt my insides twist with fear, seeing the pure sadness in his eyes.

"How long, Dad?"

Charlie hesitated for a while and then took my hand, which rested lifelessly against my side.

I knew how hard this must have been for him – showing this kind of emotion and affection, so very different from his usual behaviour.

"Two weeks, Bella."

An electric current ran through my entire body, raising goose bumps all over my skin – all lasting for not longer than a second. And then – it was gone. All shock and panic.

After all I wasn't as shocked and panicked as it had felt like at first. In a way I seemed to have known it ever since I woke up, my body being aware of everything, unconsciously telling me what was wrong – what had changed. But I could still not quite figure out _what_.

"What happened, Dad?"

Charlie seemed to be as surprised by my calm reaction as I had been at first, his eyes scanning me with concern before accepting my behaviour in silence.

"Don´t you remember anything? The doctor said that would be normal, though."

I shook my head slightly, remembering what Sam had told me. _But for now I thinks it´s also plausible if you don´t… remember too much_.

"Well, you and Jacob – well…. Bella you told me to go to cinema with Jacob and Mike Newton. But… apparently you guys changed your mind and… well, you and Jacob to be exact and you forgot about Mike and went off hiking with Sam Uley and some other kids from the reservation. You guys went to the woods and…. Well, Jacob told me that you went to… well, you know… and he got scared when you didn't return after a while so he and Sam Uley followed where you… you had went…. And they… God, Bella. I am so… who knows…. Well, if they hadn't been there…. Any later than that and you… Bella…. There was a…. you were…. A bear…"

Charlie's voice finally broke and for the first time in my entire life, ever since I can remember – I saw a glint of tears in my father's eyes. It was an estranging moment. Seeing in how much pain he was by the idea of loosing me – seeing him in such a state – knowing it was, in a way, my fault – I felt more intimidated and helpless than ever before in my life. The situation was not a bit easier for Charlie, tough and so he tried to overplay it as he continued to talk.

"Sam and…. All the other's… they saved you, Bella. Sam brought you here. He… he blames himself so much… his fiancée, Emily Young, she… you should meet her. She is the most…. Extraordinary woman but… well she was… attacked as well…. Sam, he…. He hates himself for ever letting this happen and now it happened again. He says he should have known better, that he should never have let you go alone. But… how much more can you expect? He saved you after all. I was.. when he called me… Bella I never felt so…. Forget it… well, you were…. You were so lucky, Bella. A few more seconds before they saved you, just a little more time passing before they got you to the hospital – there would have been nothing that could have been done for you. You were almost…. Bella…. Your… chest…. And your…. Your throat…. You lost so much blood…. Your….carotid…. it was… well…. Damaged…. Bella… I…. I wish there was something I could do to…. Change… this…. They will never… Bella the cuts were so deep… they won't…. they'll stay…. I am so sorry, Bells."

A million thoughts rushed through my head, not a single one really forming after all. Too many things I couldn't understand – didn't want to understand. Things that were beyond me. This I could not grasp, slipping through my fingers every time I tried to hold onto them. _They'll stay_. If there weren´t already enough things etched on me which were bound to stay with me… forever.

"Dad, what about Jacob?"

The look on Charlie's face changed again, although the sadness remained, as well did the hints of tears in his eyes.

"I have no idea, Bella. I… I haven't seen him. Well, that night…. It took them so long to get you here. It was long dark outside…. Sam told me that Jacob…He feels responsible for what happened to you. At least that's what Sam told me. And from the little Billy mentions, he really does. Apparently he talked you into joining them instead of going to cinema. I even called Mike Newton that night. You just didn't come home and…. Well, it was only his mother telling me that he had been home for a while and was sick with the stomach flu… she couldn't tell me anything about you. I talked to him about a week ago. He told me that he waited for you two… but you… you never showed and before he made it home, he got sick. He was here a few times… Jacob… he kind of…. disappeared. Nobody I know who knows him can tell me where he is. I would want to talk to him but he… well he… not even Billy wants to tell me where he is. Bella… never mind…. We'll figure everything out…All you have to do now is… getting better. I'll go and get a doctor now, okay? And your mom, she is here as well. She came two days ago and… well she had a little accident In the hotel bathroom. You know her… well, she'll be back here later. I'll call her and tell her you woke up. You'll be fine?"

I nodded without paying attention to anything he said after that, only vaguely realizing the moment his hand left mine, the movement of his body as he stood up and left the room. All I saw was Jacob's face, full of guilt and blame as he stood before me, staring at me, eying me – eyeing the damage he had done. I could hear myself, trying to convince him. That those scars, which would always remain, were nothing compared to any pain that his missing caused in me. And I saw tears. Mine – his.

All my emotions and feelings crashed down upon me, all those unanswered questions. How did I look like right now, what would I look like a couple of months, years from now? How bad was it really? Where was Jacob? What was he thinking? How much was Sam involved in all of this? How did Mike Newton take part in that ridiculous cover story and how much did he really know? Where was Jacob? Were all those ancient legends really true after all? Was this all a dream? Did I really see what my mind told me I had seen that night? Could I trust Sam Uley? Could I trust myself? Where was Jacob? What would happen now? How would my life go on from now? Where was Jacob? What did all this change? And where was Jacob?

* * *

**More answers** in the next chapter ;-)

Tell me what you think, you know **how happy** it makes me.

And of course there will be a **more detailed** description of the scars as the story continues.


	7. I ve Come Undone

I am **really sorry** that this took me so long but I had struggles with writing it. But in the end it even turned out quite long.

I did not read if for **any mistakes**, since it´s already pretty late here and I feel sick and I need to sleep - but I was** feeling guilty** for letting you guys wait so long and so I just had to post this before I go to bed. So I am sorry if there is anything stupid in there- let me know, though.

**So, enjoy this ;-)**

* * *

I´ve Come Undone

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.

_**Honore de Balzac**_

As it seemed my body had decided to wake me from my long sleep in the early morning and I wondered more and more on how long Sam had been sitting there next to me, or better : how often had he been here during the past two weeks?

This was one of the rare situations on life when you don´t know _how_ things are, but instead you know _why_. Normally I used to know what was going on, how it was doing, who was involved – but most of the time I struggled with understanding why things were that way. It was different this time. I could not tell how often Sam had rested by my side, how long he had done so, not even if Charlie knew. He had not mentioned Sam's presence before he left to find a doctor.

But I understood exactly why Sam had surely been here several times. I even suspected him to have been by my side each day I had spent here, totally oblivious to his presence. He was scared. Scared that, should I wake up, something might slip past my tongue, something that would irrevocably lead into a disaster. Either people would declare me nuts or they would start to ask questions – questions he could hardly avoid, questions that would bring him into a dangerous situation. Sam had not known how much I actually knew, what I remembered - if anything at all. The concern in his eyes had made me believe that his secret was of much more value than I was and this thought made me shiver. Than again – there had been this warmth in his eyes, the distant worry which I now understood and could transfer to his fiancée Emily. No matter how intimidating his appearance was, in a strange way he did not scare me. Something inside me told me that there was no valid reason to be scared, even if he just cared about me in order to keep his secret a secret – still, the look in his eyes, as distant as it might have been, there was a hint of bright compassion in them. It had probably been his plan, or rather hope, to be alone with me the moment I woke up. The ridiculous coincidence that he had actually caught that moment once again brought the myth of faith into my head. But thinking too hard hurt me, my body still aching with the exhaustion of sleep, every muscle feeling useless since I had not been using them for such a long time.

After Charlie had left, my mind had been spinning around with my worry about Jacob, the feeling of loss cruel and deafening inside of me. I felt so oblivious and wanted nothing more than having him here by my side, hearing his voice, seeing him smile, touching his skin.

Loneliness suddenly overcame me, making all my live proving activities go nuts. My breathing was hard and deep even though each breath put a stabbing pressure on m chest, a pain I could now classify, my rapid heartbeat only a painful addition to my aching chest and neck, which were both bandaged as I had seen after risking a gaze at my numb body. The tightly wrapped bandages made it even harder to breath and soon enough I felt sweat erupting all over my skin, my fingers trembling from the exhaustion and the dull cold which seemed to rise around me.

Never before had I been so relieved to see my father as when he returned, accompanied by a doctor and nurse, all three of them hurrying by my side, working over me, talking to me. But I could not hear, could not put any coherent thoughts in my head except for Jacob. All I felt was the gratefulness of not being alone anymore in the plain hospital room.

They were not what I longed for, but they were at least someone – that was what I told myself. But for the tiniest moment I felt the longing for someone entirely else, the longing for blond instead of dark, reddish-brown hair, the cold touch of much more skilled fingers. But the thought of that only brought too many others I could not deal with and so I tried to get along with the doctor, who's name I forgot the moment he introduced himself, and the tiny nurse who seemed rather nervous and out-of-place, lost even, as she stood next to the doctor, eying me with concern, her pale blond curls gathered in a surely impressive ponytail which was nor curled up against the back of her head. She was pretty, no doubt. Her pale skin was close to mine, alabaster with no mistakes. The only thing that disturbed the soft cream colour was a liver spot the size of a ladybug on her right cheekbone, but after looking at it twice, it gave her innocent face a certain touch, something special – something I was lacking.

Her pale emerald green eyes, so clouded with concern, where wide and round and resembled a baby's – but her thick, deep black lashed turned down her innocence a little, giving her something that could have been called seducing.

Her high cheekbones and her pointing chin gave her face a self-confident and strong shape, such a contrast to the rest of her appearance. The tiny frame of her body was slender, her curves not very significant but definitely there – she looked so fragile.

She probably noticed my examining gaze and the both of us blushed a little, which made her look even more innocent and – sweet.

Apart from her out-of-space behaviour she seemed just as embarrassed as me and so I turned my gaze to the doctor next to her who had been talking to me all the while. I hardly remembered a word and the way he avoided looking at me, his eyes instead fixed on the grey, plastic clipboard in his hands – he seemed rather unpleasant to me.

Against my will I tried to concentrate on his deep voice, the resemblance to the voice I really wanted to hear more than apparent. Even though I tried hard to listen and understand, all that reached my brain were loose words and phrases without any real connection to me.

…_permanent…_

…_no danger…_

…_early…_

…_luck…_

Damaged nerves

None of it really bothered me. I was in hospital – great. It could be much worse than that and it is not as if I had not been in hospital before. Those scars would be etched onto my skin for the rest of my life – well, I would surely get used to them.

What really bothered me in that moment was the look on Charlie's face, his general behaviour. He stood there, in the middle of the room, out-of-place, just like the nurse, hands in his pockets, his feet moving nervously from one side to the other while his eyes were fixed on me, empty and dull as if he was staring into nothing at all.

"Miss Swan?" The deep, all too resembling voice caught me off guard and my heart skipped a beat, my eyes swirling around like mad before finding the source of the voice. The doctor was now looking straight at me, a mask of indifference etched onto his tan face. At least, I hoped it was just a mask. But then again, why should I care about whether or not he cared? It was no use right now.

"Yes?" I managed to choke out, my voice still kind of new to me.

"We will examine you later today, check if there is anything we did not see while you were unconscious. Miss Wayland here will do some basic check right now, though," the doctor said mechanically before he turned around and hurried out of the room, leaving my father and the nurse standing there even more lost.

"Umm… Bells, I think I'll go and find your mother, okay?" Charlie's voice was quiet and he still balanced his weight nervously on his feet, swinging around with un uncomfortable look on his face as he apparently forced himself to look at me. I just nodded and we looked at each other for a short moment, deep crinkles on Charlie's forehead before he quickly turned around and left the room as well, the low thump as the door fell closed echoing in my head. Once again the plain white door caught too much of my attention and I was only disturbed in my numbness when the nurse slowly stepped into my few, the white of her pants not that very different from the door I had previously stared at.

I turned my head so I could look up to her and saw her smiling shyly at me, the concern in her eyes almost gone, replaced by something that reminded me of pity. And that made me feel sad – rather than angry.

"He is just worried, believe me. It'll all turn out," she said with a calm, even voice, each word dancing around her tongue.

Her smile widened encouragingly as she saw my rather confused stare and she continued. "He was really scared, you know. I guess he thinks he should have taken better care of you."

I wanted to answer her, deny that ridiculous thought, but all that escaped my mouth was a strange, nasal-like sound.

She laughed a little and I could not help myself but join in. Her laughter was so contagious, crystal clear and honest. My own was rather dull in comparison since laughing was not a very common occupation for me these days.

Slowly we drifted off into silence and I felt strangely released.

"Well, I'm just going to check some things, nothing severe, don´t worry. We don´t want to overburden your nerves," she said with her calm voice as she went over to the door and took something from a trolley before she turned around and I saw what it was – a syringe.

A little fear boiled inside of me but I felt too childish, so I tried to suppress it. She came closer and I ignored whatever she was doing with the syringe and instead tried to keep my breathing calm, as well as my heartbeat – knowing all too well she could see each beat on the monitor next to me, each change.

"I am Amber, by the way," she said with another bright smile and I tried to mirror it the best I could, amazed by how that basically simple act soothes me, filled me with something that resembled… happiness.

"Bella," I answered with a serene whisper.

Amber leaned over me a little and gently took my arm, her soft hands warming my rather cold skin. I could now smell her – a mix of raspberry and hay, covered by the stinging smell of hospital items and cleaners.

"Relax. It won't hurt that bad. It´s something for your nerves. You have a lot of things to catch up and your physical state is still rather weak. I will just check the machines now – I changed your bandages yesterday, that won't be necessary until maybe later today," she said slowly and I could clearly hear her choice changing during the last phrase, her former concern returning to her eyes.

Thinking about this, I was totally oblivious to the syringe until Amber withdrew it from my arm and said "See? Done already," before crossing the room again, quicker than before, and put the syringe away.

"Umm… Amber right?" My voice sounded just as uncomfortable as I felt.

Amber turned around to face me, her arms hanging uselessly at her sides.

"Yes," she answered with a hint of curiosity in bother her voice and eyes as she slowly retuned to my side.

"Can I… I mean, could I ask you something?"

"Of course. Go ahead."

I took a deep breath, regretting it immediately since the stabbing in my chest and throat returned, but this time it was shorter and before I could really react to it – it was gone.

"Umm… is there… any chance that… that… you saw a boy around… maybe he is…" I stuttered, feeling rather pathetic but I needed to know this from someone else and Amber interrupted me before I could finish.

"You are talking about this Jacob, right? I umm… overheard them talking about him…" Now it was her who was stuttering and the rosy blush returned to her cheeks.

"Who?"

"Your father and… I forgot his name – the man who brought you here."

"Sam Uley?"

"Right, I guess that was his name."

"What did they say?"

"Something about… how this Jacob feels guilty for… for what happened… to you and how he… doesn't want to show up here because he thinks that you… might blame him for…. this," she hesitantly said while waving her hand over my body.

I saw no use in arguing about any of Jacob's, Sam's or my father's thoughts with her, but it somehow seemed more real to hear it from her mouth than any of the other's. So I just nodded again and we both remained silent for a few moments before Amber sighed heavily.

"I guess I should get started."

And with that she started to check all the monitors around me, all the tubes that stuck onto me, the drip and she even shortly checked if my bandages were fitting correctly. Now and again she asked me some questions, all rather medical and most of the time I just lay there and stared at the ceiling, my eyelids becoming heavier by the second…

I did not realize that I feel asleep until I woke up again, no dreams or nightmares having disturbed the luminous peace of sleep. But waking up definitely brought back life into my life.

The moment I opened my eyes, all my senses had to work harder than I could remember. First, the bright light in the room, so much brighter than before, seemed to boil my eyes, the clean smell once again burning my nose, the limpness in my body returning, now accompanied by the achingly cruel longing to move, to stretch – just a sign that my body still worked, that my muscles were not ripped apart. And then, I felt a hand on my own, grabbing it tightly, and another hand and my cheek, a finger which was brushing over the skin there with ease, careful but still full of eagerness. Another smell filled my nose, rosy and salty at the same time and I heard the clinging of something that was surely a necklace as the light that blinded me was suddenly gone, a shadow hovering over me.

"Bella? Are you awake? You okay?"

"Mum?" I murmured through my closed lips, sleep still hovering over me as much as my mother.

"I'm here, baby. It´s alright."

Her fingers brushed over my cheek with more fierce now, still careful not to touch the disturbing tubes that stuck to my nose.

"Why is it so bright?" I asked, my voice a little louder now, my eyelids falling close again and again while I tried to force them open, fighting against the light which now surrounded my mother's frame.

"It´s the sun, Bella. You slept almost the whole day since you woke up. Your dad came running into me and told me you were awake and… well, when I got in here the nurse told me you'd fallen asleep again."

"The sun?"

"Yes, Bella. It´s so sunny outside. I wish you could be out there right now. Finally one sunny day here and you are… well… here," she said and her normally rather cheerful voice was now more quiet and sounded even a little shy, maybe caught-off-guard – as if she had not expected this topic.

"The sun was always here…" My voice was almost inaudible, lower than a whisper. It was for me, not for her ears to hear. And I was right. With Jacob, every single day was a sunny day. A bright day. One of those days when wake up in the morning and almost fall out of bed while getting up – and not out of clumsiness but out of hurry and enthusiasm because you can't wait to get out of bed and embrace this day – this gift. Right now, the sun was shining. But it was for sure not a sunny day.

"What did you say, darling?"

"Nothing… nothing, Mum."

I blinked several more times and with each open and close I started to see again and soon enough I was staring into my mother's worried face.

"Oh, Bella… I am so… how are you feeling?" she asked while she withdrew her hand from my face and used it to steady her weight as she sat next to me on the bed, her other hand still grasping mine firmly as if she was afraid I could slip right through her fingers if she did not hold on to me enough.

"Great… just a little… groggy," I said and with all my strength forced a smile onto my lips, trying to calm my mother down. There was no need for more worries right now.

She hesitantly mirrored the smile and brushed her fingers over my hand.

"What happened to you? Dad said you had an accident."

After that simple question, Renée really did smile honestly and I felt relieved. She rose her leg and used her free hand to point at her left foot, bandaged.

"Well, I was so… tensed because of all this and wanted to take bath in the hotel room. But… you know… you must have inherited your clumsiness from someone and that surely was not your father. I slipped and feel. I got up and everything was alright. Well, I was still a little worried because I had hit my knee at the bathtub and so I put my foot on the edge and examined my knee. Well, I lost balance and tried to catch myself. But I – well I sprained my knuckle in the process. It´s like those mountain climbers who survive Mount Everest and then die because they fall off a ladder while painting their house."

There was so much enthusiasm in her voice, so much brightness that I could not help but laugh a little. It was so her – so me and for the first time in a long time I realized just how much I actually missed my mother.

We both shared a minute of laughter, my chest still stabbing a little in the process, but it was more and endurable. Probably due to whatever Amber had injected me this morning or in the meantime. Then, all of a sudden my mother stopped laughing.

"Bella, I was so scared that… that I would loose you…" Her voice trailed off into silence and I clearly saw tears glistening in her eyes since she did nothing to hide them.

"Mum…," I said softly, unjustified guilt inside of me and I tried my best to make my numb fingers return her grasp. "I am fine now."

"You are now. But – seeing you like this… when your Dad called me… Bella, I…"

Her tears were now spilling over and as much as I wanted to wipe them away – I couldn't. My strength was just enough to hold her hand. There was no way I could reach up my arm all the way to her face.

"Mum, please. Stop crying….," I said, my own voice cracking now under the weight of tears which gathered behind my own eyelids now.

Another second passed before my mother found her composure again and she snuffled rather unladylike before she squeezed my hand a little more.

"You are right – I shouldn't be such a whiney. You are fine now. Let's not worry about what was yesterday."

"Right…," I mumbled under my breath, my eyes now fixed on the window I had not really noticed before. The sky outside, framed by two pale yellow curtains, was a bright shade of blue, absolutely perfect. The sun was there, shining right into my room, the rays filling every corner with light. And still – it was so dark…

"Bella?"

My mother's voice was far away – somewhere I could not reach. All my senses tried to concentrate on the sun outside, that star. But that was all it was to me in that moment. A star. Something we circled around. Life-giving. But not for me. Not at this moment.

"Bella? Why are you crying?"

It came closer now, her voice. And what she was saying. Only now did I feel the soft tickling of liquid running down my face before something softer touched the skin there, wiping my salty tears away.

I was crying. Finally. Something human. Finally I was able to grieve like anybody normal should do. As much as a progress this was, of course I could not bring myself to be happy about it. And so the tears kept running, spilling over my eyelids while I stared into the bright light of sun, my mother's touch on my skin never ending, catching every tear I cried and wiping it away for me.

"You want him here, don´t you?"

And at that moment, apart from all the pain, I could not not feel the love in my heart, the pure gratefulness for my presence. And for the wonder of how she always seemed to know what was going on inside my heart. Never my head – but my heart.


	8. I’m Here Again

Okay, I really need to **apologize again** that this took me so long. Actually I did have enough time to write this past week but I just couldn´t - **writer´s block**. And this is not the chapter I originally intended to write since that causes me **some serious issues**. But I´ll figure those out and you´ll soon have the next real chapter.

I hope you still enjoy this, though it can´t even really be called a chapter, rather a makeshift. It will just **explain some things** until the next thing happens in the next chapter.

Alos, I did not correct this chapter so excuse any mistakes.

* * *

I'm Here Again

And Silence, like a poultice, comes  
To heal the blows of sound.

_**Oliver Wendell Holmes**_

Three weeks had passed, three silent weeks filled only with questions and time to think. In fact after those weeks came to an abrupt ending I was very sure that never before in my life I had been thinking as much as during those weeks, those days, those hours that passed by me, unappreciated, ignored.

It was safe to say that my conscious mind had somehow lost it´s borders and separators from my unconsciousness, creating a incomprehensible and blurred state in which I could not bare handle myself – but could not loose myself either. Somehow I was lost in the middle, stuck in a place I had no idea how to escape of, myself fading into both voids around me, becoming one with every single second of those three weeks.

It was tearing me apart, splitting me in two – this pull and I was defenceless, I did not understand. Like too vivid dreams the days stretched on, loose and without any logical connection. Too weird, to stubborn and too clasping. Everything was real, but as much as reality was etched to what was going on it still seemed more like a vision or rather – an out-of-body-experience. I saw myself every single day, saw me lying in the hospital bed, weaker than I had first assumed, tired of not knowing what was happening around me, saw the doctors and nursed working over me, saw my parents and the worry and dread in their eyes, the hesitation in their movements – almost disgust. It seemed a mystery to me, the way people suddenly change their look at someone they had loved and held dear their entire lives. As soon as those beloved ones became sick or old or in need of care they suddenly distance themselves from those people. No love can keep disgust at bay. This so human feeling is just as essential as the breath we take to stay alive. People become aware of humanity once they sense sickness – and the truth behind their retreat is not that they are actually _disgusted _by the person but the fear they feel when reality falls suddenly upon them – the recognition that those beloved ones are just weak and human, doomed to leave this world and this life when the time comes.

This is what people hide their entire lives – the fact that it is unlasting. And then they see – in the sickness of those they love – their own destiny. And then fear sets in, becomes a constant companion, a viscous threat – and so people try to get away from it, escape something that can not be escaped from. They retreat, they run away, they back down.

And I saw that in my parents eyes – their disgust – the way of behaviour that told me that they would rather be somewhere else – not responsible for me. I could not blame them or be angry. It was just another thing I did not understand…

* * *

The first week passed without by without me realizing it really. Everyday seemed to repeat itself, a loose pattern following me every second every day. It felt like I was a pawn in a game and someone moved me without asking me for permission but after all, I was lacking the sanity to really care or fight against the superiority that appeared to rule my life.

It was so quiet, so silent, too resembling to a graveyard and I more and more began to feel as if I was already dead, sleeping in my casket and that it was just my restless soul that was flowing through mystic worlds of dreams and subconsciousness.

Everyone handled me as if I were a porcelain doll, fragile and breakable. At first I thought that they were exaggerating and I even felt a flash of anger somewhere lost in my sleepy mind but then I had to admit that maybe they were the ones who were right in this matter. After all I was weak, weaker than I had ever felt in my life. It was not only my body but more and more my mind. I was able to walk without anybody's help – even though nobody really appreciated it when I did – and I could move and talk an generally perform any kind of physical act than before apart from turning my head and bending or in any way stretching or moving my chest too much. From time to time it used to be a little obstructive bit I managed it. What bothered me more was that the reason for that – the whole reason why I was even here – was such a void to me, a shadow, a phantom. Nobody seemed to trust in my strength enough to confront me with reality, with the marks I would be carrying my entire life, with what actually brought me here.

It was nothing physical that made me weak, that sucked strength out of me. It was mental. It was the loss, the doubt, the questions, the anger, the whole, the abyss I threatened to fall down at any moment without my sun on the horizon to catch me.

I was lost without him.

* * *

It was the second week when there was finally some small change in the pattern which was my life.

First, I grew used to things more and more. They became indifferent to me and I accepted my situation more since I saw no other way. There was nothing I could do to change anything.

And so I tried to make it easier for everyone around me. Each soothing and encouraging word I mentioned towards my parents lightened a small shimmer in their eyes and I hoped that they would not understand . misinterpret my behaviour.

The only real light for me was Amber, though. She was no one for whom I felt any kind of responsibility and still she had become the most important person in the nightmare version of life in which I had been cursed. In this world without him she was my sun, or at least a ray of light which had travelled a long time and was now just as sole and lonely as I was.

Sometimes the fear overcame me that she might only be blinding me, that my desperation was the cause for the way I needed her around me. But I kept telling myself that, even if we had met under different circumstances, she would have had a dear place in my shattered heart. After all I had never met a more genuine women, no one who could be compared to the delight that blossomed wherever she went, the calmness that hovered over her. We never talked about anything deep since I could not bare to, since I did not know how to put in words what I felt. But even the most random subject increased in weight and meaning when passing Amber's lips that every conversation turned into a profound debate.

The second thing that changed my slow and deliberate contraction to something lifeless and shallow was the awakening of emotion inside of me. They were weak, but they were present. Joy and relief when Amber entered my sterile room, a burning ache whenever I looked into my parents eyes – I even began to feel angry for not being allowed to even try and handle myself. The anger returned slowly, the anger that everyone treated me as if I was going to shatter into a million crystal pieces should they try to let me live my life on my own.

I was resurfacing from the depth of both void that had devoured me.

* * *

It was the third week that brought me back to life – that brought me answers.

* * *

I know, I know - **this was crap**. But it was all I could conjure and I felt **so guilty** for the lack of updates. But it was woth it - because I** figured out all my problems in school** ;-)


	9. A Broken Mess

Okay, so here it is - **the little devil**. This chapter took me **three days** to write, **hours and hours** each day. I was so lost.

It just wouldn´t work out. I just finished it and di not reread it - so please forgive me any mistakes. This was just agony and I dearly hope that you won´t feel that too much while reading it.

I feel so horrible because this is such an **important chapter** and I´m afraif it didn´t turn out well....

Anyways, **enjoy it** more than I did ;-)

* * *

A Broken Mess

History is the sum total of the things that could have been avoided.

_**Konrad Adenauer**_

_**-----  
**_

_It was the third week that brought me back to life – that brought me answers…_

_-------  
_

It was Monday afternoon, my room silent as it always was apart from the steady beeping sounds that were caused by the various machines around me of which I still did not entirely knew the exact purpose. Every now and again the sun broke through the thick blanket of greyish clouds and illuminated my sterile room, casting shadows on the walls which ended up to be the by far most interesting thing to observe for me; they formed into strange and obscure figures, maps and pictures, nothing about them making sense but also whole and totally rational. I figured that maybe I was too stoned to see anything that did not make sense to me after a little consideration – Amber had been leaving only about thirty minutes ago after giving me the first of my two daily pain medication doses and that day I felt more influenced by it than ever before – tired and numb.

The pillow which supported my back so I could sit up in my bed without straining my chest and throat too much was rather hard already and everything but comfortable and so I moved slightly uneasy every now and again trying to find a more pleasant position. It was worthless, though but still I continued moving my aching muscles after that realization just to use them for something at all. They had been so neglected ever since the incident in the forest that they felt more sore as if I were still running through the woods – the ache of not using them far more penetrating. The thought made me flinch a little and goose bumps rose across my pale skin, even lighter now than it used to be, and the shiver along my spine affected my entire body, making me feel even more insecure and for the tiniest fragment of a second I felt a hint of fear in my brain. What I was afraid of was hard to put in words even if only in my head but deep down in a place where words are not necessary, foreign and obstructive, I knew the answer. I knew what scared me. But what made me feel that fear was the fact that by admitting the period of time that had passed since that night in the forest I had to come to terms with the fact how much time I had already spent here lying in a clean, sterile bed in a sterile, empty room with nothing to do – a sterile heart and mind. Over a month had passed without anything – nothing at all. There was no information for me, nothing I could cling to, nothing that would help me understand the situation. I was till in the dark.

Over a month and I had not seen Jacob's face…

This was it – the point at which I closed my mind, blocked every thought from me and tried to not feel anything at all. The pain, or rather the void I felt in my heart was nothing compared to what I had felt whenever my memory threatened me with pictures of Edward. The thought of him now caused me no pain – a strange, tingling feeling but nothing more. The former ache in my empty chest had vanished since now the whole, which had been hurting before, was gone. Instead, there was something dull filling it, every single pore – but I could not distinguish what it was made of. The thought of Jacob, however, made me feel worse than any stabbing pain ever caused by Edward. I felt so hollow, so empty that the mere thought of it was close to make me fade into the nothingness I felt, the voids that were creeping into my every pore.

And so I thinking every time Jacob appeared inside my head, which was far too often, and instead concentrated on nothing but my savage needs such as breathing, controlling my senses more than necessary.

There were better and worse days. If they were worse sometimes not a single real thought crossed my mind during the day because Jacob was all too present; everything about him was there: his smell, the touch of his skin, the way his laugh used to make my heart feel at least a little more present, the sound of his voice – everything. He became such a fundamental part of my being during those days that I could not bare to think about anything, the danger of crossing his path somewhere in the depths of my mind too much of a risk. I was not willing to pay a prize that high just for a thought of something that did no good to me anyways. The _pain_ was as much in vain as the pain Edward had caused me. He was now a comparably easy thought to think. Something I had never expected.

Today could vaguely be considered a good day. The shadow on the wall became pictures and tales in my head – a fantasy, something I had not allowed my mind to conjure for a very long time.

A sudden thud on the door interrupted my newly achieved state of mind, though and I felt strangely relieved to hear the sound. As much of an achievement the new fantasies were they were also frightening to me.

Slowly, careful not to hurt my already cumbered and tightly bandaged throat I turned my head into the direction of the door, expecting my mother or my father to appear once it opened a little. But when a face appeared between the slightly opened door and the bright white frame it was the last thing I expected to see and my stomach twisted nervously as I stared at Sam Uley`s blank face, his eyes focused on me with an almost shy expression of curiosity and politeness but still he had that hint of authority behind the brown colour, a colour so similar to… I did not allow my mind to bring that thought to an end and instead concentrated hard on the way Sam's eyes were focusing me since no matter how much everything about Sam Uley reminded me of _him_ in that moment I knew that I had never seen this expression on _his_ face. It was just… it felt as if this expression belonged to Sam Uley alone.

"Bella? Might if I come in?"

It was such a paradox; the strength in his eyes and the sudden weakness in his voice. He sounded so insecure of himself, so worried about his every word and action that it made me shiver. Again, although there was no reason to feel that way, I was scared of Sam Uley, of his entire demeanour, this abundant aura that surrounded him. He was a miracle to me, a walking question.

A couple of seconds passed before I remembered that Sam had asked me something and so I nodded slowly in his direction before I turned my head away from him again to face the opposite wall, his presence once again intimidating me, making me feel insecure.

I saw his features appear entirely in the room out from the corner of my eye a second later and exhaled loudly when the door fell closed with a dull thud. Seconds passed and nothing seemed to happen after that. I only vaguely saw Sam standing close by the door, his huge, dark frame such a disturbing contrast to the bright door.

"Where is he?"

My voice was louder than I had expected, almost fierce and determined although my entire body shivered just by the mere thought of whom´s whereabouts I was asking. When I received no answer I turned my head back into the direction in which I made out Sam's features and mustered his face while ignoring his too penetrating eyes.

"Where?" I repeated, this time with even more strength and venom in my voice, still I could not declare where this sudden anger and force were coming from. I considered that after all these weeks of darkness my mind just tried to get what it needed by any means necessary. For the first time since he had entered the room I allowed myself fully regard Sam, the way he was standing there, unsure of where to go. This whole man really was a paradox.

"I don´t know," he finally said with his deep voice and I had to fight against my body's will to crouch against the incomprehensible authority that erupted from each word he spoke. Still I felt angry – not necessarily for Sam but for his lack of knowledge, for my own nescience.

"How can you not know?"

"He doesn't either, really." The look on Sam's face told me that he did not understand his own phrase more than I did. He sighed heavily and slowly walked over to my bed, each of his wide steps causing a queasy feeling in my stomach and chest. Was I afraid of him? Or was I afraid of the answers I might or might not get?

With another sigh Sam sat down on the lately so rarely occupied chair next to my bed. My parents, being the only people apart from the hospital staff to be in my room, used to walk around my room the past weeks, their unease creating an unbearable tension in the room. But no matter how scared or intimidated I was by Sam Uley`s mere appearance it was also able to calm me down, making me more reposeful than I had in a long time. There was something about this man. Something I did not understand.

"Bella… he is afraid. In my opinion that is the only problem. But he won't see… he is so stubborn," Sam told me with his deep and clam voice, his eyes now avoiding me in some weird act of shame which confused me.

"Why can't you just tell me what is going on? Just, tell me where he ist. You must know that. Please, Sam!" My voice war so loud, louder than in a long time and my raspy throat did not appreciate the sudden force with which my voice escaped.

Another sigh.

"There is so much you need to know – to understand…," he said, his voice trailing off into silence with each word.

That hit me. How was I supposed to know anything? How did he think was I supposed to understand?

"What? Are you – what do you – how am I – Sam this is – just explain!"

I was almost shouting at him now, amazed by my own strength and bravery. It was astonishing how people always start to live in months of greatest despair. Some how it never got into my head. Why do they not live when times are good? Sam was staring at me now with the same expression of surprise and again my mind played puzzling tricks with me, making me feel guilty for yelling at Sam the way I did.

"Bella, I don´t know how. And in fact I'm not even really allowed to. If I – I just can't. I want to, believe me. But… it is… against the rules and… you already know too much."

"What is it I know? That you are what? Werewolves? Is that so bad? You think I'm just going to tell everybody – making them lock me in a nuthouse? Is that why? Am I dangerous or what?"

"That´s not what I meant."

"Than tell me!"

He still eyed me with a mixture of surprise and concern and hesitated a long time before he rose his voice again.

"it´s… you know what I told you last time, right? About that day at the beach with you and… Jacob, right?"

I felt and heard his hesitation before he said his name and I was scared I might be falling into the void again – but my anger overshadowed that fear, made me stronger.

"Yes."

"Well, he… what he did that day… was wrong and… he shouldn't have… he was never allowed to tell you all that only…. Only he didn't know any of that was true… at the time."

"What do you mean?"

"He told you about the… the treaty. Well he – by telling you that he… he _broke_ it. By telling you…"

His words lasted in the room for a few seconds and my uneven breathing filled the oppressive silence in the room.

"So… you mean that… _all_ of what he told me was… was true?"

This time Sam simply nodded. It surprised me in a rather uncomfortable way. Something inside me, maybe intuition, had told me that what Sam had said about the werewolves had been the truth, but the fact that all those legends and _scary stories_ he had told me that they were true as well was disturbing. They had seemed so… like legends. Apart from… the _cold ones_.

"We have to – well apparently we have to stick to it. Because… well, _they_ do, too. Of course, Jacob did not know, but… that he told you was – he should never have involved you in this, no matter how unintentionally it was. _We_ broke the treaty. It´s always _us_. And now we see what the consequences were – of involving other's," he said calmly but I could clearly sense the bitterness in his voice.

"Who are _you_? There are more?"

He nodded again and the way he was eying me now scared me a little. The expression in his eyes was so similar to… vulnerability.

I did not feel like asking further on this topic. I just did not want to know at that point who else was… different. Over the weeks I had come into terms with the fact that apparently almost every single person which caused this _feeling_ inside of me was _un_natural. But knowing that there were so many others so close – it was scary.

"And you said you can read minds?"

"No.. yes, no… not really. It is – only when we are phased, you know? When we are in wolf-form. Then we hear each other's thoughts. But not – not in human form."

I nodded slowly only to give him the hint that I understood what he had said.

"And… what – I don´t really – what exactly _are_ you?"

For the splint of a second the corner of Sam's mouth twitched and I figured that his smile might be something worth to be seen. However it did not appear.

"Well, you could call us – kind of shape shifters. Not those _traditional_ werewolves you know from TV. That´s all nonsense. Jacob told you those legends. We are – the reason we exist is our enemy. We exists when there are… vampires. We are their only natural enemies. We – our task is – we are protectors. We exist to protect other's from them."

"But they are… gone," I whispered without intending to do so, this simple fact after all still foreign to my lips and tongue.

"That´s true but – well, their presence… you – I thought you – they are not the only ones. They may have caused us to phase in the first place, yes."

"How comes – how long – weren´t you… werewolves your whole life? I don´t unterstand."

„No, we weren´t. That comes… at certain points. We are all about the same age. It came. None of us knew about it before it happened. That´s why Jacob – why he – he'd never stayed with you – I… I feel as if I should have – Had he known… maybe – None of this had happened."

I felt guilty again, because I saw the deep guilt in Sam's dark eyes and I felt a sudden urge to comfort him. What it was that fascinated me about him – I had no idea. But in this very moment I felt something – something else I could not explain. With a slow movement I reached out my hand and rested it on top of Sam's which was laying on his knee. I had expected the heat of his skin but still it came suddenly and vastly.

"Charlie told me about… Emily. Did this happen with her?" It had been a guess, a thought of which I had been rather sure but know I felt as if this was something we could share.

Sam nodded. I sighed.

"I… I lost control."

Sam's voice was raspy and I could feel his hand tremble slightly beneath my chaste touch. It was so unlike him. But his words also made me quiver and fear grew inside me before I forced my lips to form the question that lingered in my head.

"Did you… did you a – attack her?"

We stared into each other's eyes for a second and I held my breath. This was incomprehensible to me. Fear, guilt, compassion – all mixed together towards a single person – a person I barely knew at all.

"No – but I might as well could have. I – when we are _young_, it is… harder to control when we – sometimes… our emotions – when we get angry we – it is a fight against yourself. We can't control the phasing then and.. she was… too close."

Sam's yes were no fixed on the floor and I was sure he tried hard to hide his guilt from me. The _weakness_.

"When you say it´s your emotions – than it wasn't your fault, though. It´s like… what does he think, Sam? Please tell me. You know it… Help me understand."

I was begging now, all the anger washed away with my sudden fondness towards Sam and I gently brushed my hand over his, trying to comfort him even though the mere thought of it seemed pathetic for me Who was I for him, anyways?

"Of course I know. Believe me, I wish I didn't. He – I already told you that he feels… guilty. That he blames himself for… _this_," he said, meeting my eyes again and loosely pointing his free hand toward me and the room.

"But… I told you that was none sense. It wasn't his fault – you should have – didn't you tell him…"

"I did – there was no way around it. I can't lie to him even if I wanted to. I could force him to believe it, yes – but I can't lie."

"What do you mean: _force him to believe it_?"

He looked deeply into my eyes and I felt my body shrink again for a second before he started talking again.

"Well, I am – kind of… the pack leader. Yes, you could put it like that. They have to – well, they're ought to do what I tell them."

There it was: the answer to my question. He _was_ authority.

"What is he thinking?"

Sam sighed again before responding and I swallowed hard, ignoring the familiar stitch in my throat.

"He knows that you said that you don´t blame him. But he… he doesn't believe it himself. He still _feels _guilty."

I was becoming more and more desperate and the machines around me increased in speed and sound. This was ridiculous.

"Then force him to. You just said that you can, so please do it!"

"I can't. I won't. I can't force him into this. This is something he has to figure out for himself. I… I had no help, either. And believe me Bella, it won't help anything if I forced him."

Tears were gathering in my eyes and I tried to force them back, preventing them from spilling over.

"Why? I just… I just want to see him again…"

It was a lost cause. My voice broke and before my words had faded into silence the first tear spilled over and slowly ran down my cheek.

"It´s not the only reason, Bella," Sam said quietly and moved his hand so he was no holding mine. Apart from that comforting touch he ignored my tears, if out of embarrassment or helplessness – I did not know.

"What?" I managed to choke the word out before it was followed by a sob.

"Bella, this is – I never meant to tell you this. But as it seems… it is inevitable. It is difficult, though and I can not guarantee you that it will help. It might only confuse you more."

"Ju – just… just tell me," I stuttered. There was nothing in my imagination that could not help me. After all I barely knew anything.

Sam inhaled deeply and I considered that the coming topic was apparently not easy for him to talk about.

"We this thing… it is – well it is the way werewolves find their soul mates. You could put it like that. Well, the thing is called imprinting and… well, it was supposed to be just another legend but… it turned out to be quite real. It is… hard to explain. Maybe like love at first sight. But it really is a strong connection – nothing can ever break it. There is no way to ignore it. There is this one person for you – no one else. And Jacob…he is afraid of it."

It was a lot. A lot of stuttered and mumbled words. A lot of things I did not really understand.

"What – what is he… afraid of?"

My sobs and tears started to fade already since my strength just was not enough to keep them up. I eyed Sam with more curiosity now and hope that this might encourage him. He sighed again and cast me a strangely painful look.

"He is afraid that, since his feelings for you are already so strong, he might imprint on you. You know, we imprint on someone the very first time we see them after the first transformation. That is why he isn't coming, Bella."

I understood nothing.

"Why would he be afraid of that? What…"

"Bella," Sam said with more earnest and fierce in his voice, " he feels guilty, he would kills himself for what he did if he could or if he knew that it would be worth anything. He doesn't want you to feel as if you owed him something – no matter what. The whole imprinting – he isn't very fond of it. He wants you to – well he doesn't want to force you into _anything_. But… on the other hand, he is afraid that he might _not_ imprint on you."

I was lost. Not even in the dark, cold forest had I felt so helpless and in the dark. Literally.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Sam sighed again. It became his trademark of the day.

"Well, he wants you, after all. No matter how much he tries to stay away from you – he still wants you. He loves you, Bella. And… he wants nothing but that. If he comes here, sees you and doesn't imprint – then it´s most likely that he'll never imprint on you. I guess you know what that would mean…"

I shook my head.

Another sigh.

"Well, you see. You know how it always says that there is a soul mate for everyone? So, if he doesn't imprint on you that means, harshly said, that you are not his soul mates. That you are not meant to be together. And that would destroy everything he worked for for so long. He loves you and he doesn't want some tribal thing to destroy it. The fear that he might one day… find his true soul mate. Do you understand now?"

This time I nodded. I understood what Sam had said and I kind of figured Jacob's point. But I still couldn't really _understand_.

"But I want him, too. I need him. And I don´t care abut all this. All I want is to see him again."

"That´s not up to me, I'm sorry. I really am."

I might have been sad for his lack of participation but in this moment I knew what he was saying and that he really truly was sorry about the situation.

"Is he here? I mean, home? So I can see him again?"

The thought of the possibility of a no as an answer made me flinch and grasp Sam's hand a little harder. He sighed once again and eyed me with a hint of sadness.

"He is around. That´s all I can say."

I nodded and turned away from Sam, feeling that our conversation was over.

"I think I'd better leave. Would take a lot of explaining if they saw me here," Sam said after a couple of minutes and he patted my hand slightly before letting go of it and lifting his huge body from the chair.

I looked up to him, towering over me, casting a strange shadow over me.

"There is so much more that you need to understand. But… I don´t think now is the real time and place. Someday…"

"Yeah… I guess you're right. Thank you, though. For explaining that much."

"You deserved some answers, I guess."

I nodded and turned my head away from him again when he turned around to leave the room.

"Sam?"

His footsteps stopped and I saw his frame from the corner of my eye once again.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I inhaled deeply, hoping that this question was not too private.

"Did you and Emily – I mean… this – did you imprint on her?"

I never saw his facial expression since I could not bare looking at him again but I heard from his voice that he was in pain once again, for whatever reason.

"Yes."

My head almost fell automatically for a nod as he moved again and the moment he opened the door, I called his name again, only quieter than last time.

"Sam?"

"Bella?"

"I – could you - I mean… Can you try?"

"I do. Already. It just doesn't work out." And with that I saw his frame disappear through the door before it silently feel closed with the familiar thud, leaving me alone again, the voids threatening to devour me again but somehow, no matter how mirthless I felt – the was a hint of strength left and I knew the voids now, knew their movements, knew their strategy. I could win.

I had a chance.

* * *

**Please** tell me what you think. I need your advise more than ever since this was such a difficult chapter to write.


	10. AN & Chapter Preview I will continue!

**!!!!!!!PLEASE READ - IT´S IMPORTANT!!!!!!!**

Okay, so I really owe you guys the biggest apology in the world. You always made my day with your amazing reviews and _I love you all_ fot that. And still I let you wait forever. I know how annoying it is when writers don´t update in a long time and that at some point you loose interest.

I hope you did not.

When I had the time to write I just couldn´t. This story, as well as my other multi-chapter _Another Definition_, were just foreign to me and I found no way to continue them. You could say_ I_ was the one who lost a bit of interest.

I wrote a lot of other things in the meantime and just could not continue this.

And then school started again and time was rare, too.

But now I have two weeks autumn break and I just started writing the next chapter. I thought I should give you this **little preview**, so you guys know that this story is not dead and will be finished.

But now, enough with the author´s note.

**Enjoy the **(very short)** preview and expect the next chapter very soon :-)**

* * *

I Tried So Hard

_It was the third week that brought me back to life – that brought me answers…_

Lost love leaves behind only a mess of broken pieces and unaccomplished wishes, dreams, tasks. It leaves and it takes away the means for the life you built up inside of your mind, in that peaceful happy place where everything is possible and words like _evil_, _betrayal_ and _cruelty_ do not exist. Neither does _goodbye_.

That was the prize you had to pay for love, the imaginary contract you sign when giving yourself to another person, opening up, voluntarily becoming vulnerable – the knowledge that in a real world every binding string could be ripped apart with an unknown brutality. That dreams end. That at some point you just _have_ to wake up…

It is pain – agony to wake up. To find that that happy, perfect world is nothing but the contrary of reality, a blurry, too vivid dream. Reality consists of words like _cruelty_, _evil_ and _betrayal_.

That is what lost love makes you understand.

I had woken up once, finding myself in a mess of what I used to be, what I wanted to be, the lines between my _dream_ and the real world diffuse, encircling me, taking away the air to breath.


	11. I Tried So Hard

Okay, so here we go.

**I´m officially back!**

I really hope you guys still care about this story as much as I do - even if I neglejected it in the past weeks... _months_.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

I Tried So Hard

If the soul is left in darkness, sins will be committed. The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but he who causes the darkness.

**Victor Hugo, Les Misérables, Fantine, Bk 1, ch. 4**

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**

_It was the third week that brought me back to life – that brought me answers…_

_--------------  
_

Lost love leaves behind only a mess of broken pieces and unaccomplished wishes, dreams, tasks. It leaves and it takes away the means for the life you built up inside of your mind, in that peaceful happy place where everything is possible and words like _evil_, _betrayal_ and _cruelty_ do not exist. Neither does _goodbye_.

That was the prize you had to pay for love, the imaginary contract you sign when giving yourself to another person, opening up, voluntarily becoming vulnerable – the knowledge that in a real world every binding string could be ripped apart with an unknown brutality. That dreams end. That at some point you just _have_ to wake up…

It is pain – agony to wake up. To find that that happy, perfect world is nothing but the contrary of reality, a blurry, too vivid dream. Reality consists of words like _cruelty_, _evil_ and _betrayal_.

That is what lost love makes you understand.

I had woken up once, finding myself in a mess of what I used to be, what I had wanted to be, the lines between my _dream_ and the real world diffuse, encircling me, taking away the air to breathe.

_Then_ I had known. It had really been _lost love_. But _now_… now I was left behind with realization. With the horrible feeling of loosing something you never really owned, something you prevented yourself from having all the time although it could have been yours, and yours alone.

"Bella? Are you still here?"

My mother's voice echoed in my ears, a dull sound – shrieking, strangely _happy_. But concerned.

Holding on to my strained binding strings I pulled myself out of my daydreams.. no, was there something like day-_nightmares_?

The worried face of my mother cleared in front of my eyes, her forehead wrinkled in concern, her eyes hooded, the enthusiasm and euphoria that had been reflected from them ever since I could remember now weak and almost impossible to recognize anymore.

A familiar rush of guilt ran through my veins, my chest clenching painfully and like always I forced a chaste smile onto my lips, hoping, in vain, that the damage I had caused in my mother would subside.

But just as always, lying was beyond me and especially my mother did not buy the fake smile that was meant to heal the wounds I had caused in her.

Still, she joined me in my mocking game of artificiality, acting as if my smile really reassured her that I was _fine_, that my pain was slowly fading, that her old Bella was on her way of recovery.

Deep down I knew she was suffering just as much as I did, even though she did not know everything. Not really, to say at least.

"What were you saying?" I asked, careful to sound stronger than I felt, continuing our everlasting game.

"I was asking what you think about this," Renée said casually, her part in this play perfectly rehearsed, much better than mine.

She pointed her long finger onto the vivid-coloured high-gloss paper of a fashion magazine, the bright red dress that clung to the skinny models` pearly skin almost hurting my eyes.

"It´s… _red_."

"I see that. What do you think? Would that look good on me?" her voice resembled a little girls` now, eager for a positive answer, full of excitement no matter how false it might really be.

"Where would you want to wear that?"

"Well…," a rosy blush tainted Renée's cheeks and seeing that my mother finally had a real _emotion_, a true reaction, was calming me down. It gave me hope that I had not destroyed everything in her.

"Mom?" I urged her, reaching out my arm to slightly push her shoulder.

"I thought about surprising Phil once I go back to Florida. You know… since I missed our anniversary. Thought I should make up for that."

She focused on the dress and I had the slight suspicion that she had wanted to ask me about that dress for more than just a few days now.

Trying myself with a delightful laugh I was able to conjure a smile on my mother's face.

"Maybe you should go with something less…. something a little more classic, _Mom_," I said, putting emphasize on the last word, the image of my mother in that rather short red dress being more funny than seductive.

"Do you think it´s too much?"

"For my _mother_ – yes it is."

Renée laughed at that and turned the magazine's page, revealing a rather impressive green gown.

"Maybe I should –"

She was interrupted by a low-key _knock knock_ on the door to my room.

"Do you expect someone?" she asked curiously, her back to me while she faced the door.

"No," I murmured, my heart beating faster, just like every time someone knocked on the door, the hope that maybe it was the person I wanted to see the most these days still anchored in my every cell.

But each time it was just a nurse, a doctor, my dad with another souvenir from the cafeteria. Angela had been here to visit me yesterday – at least Charlie told me that. I had been asleep.

That revelation had caused me another night without much sleep, the fear that I missed Jacob because I was sleeping preventing me from falling into unconsciousness.

On the other hand the thought comforted me.

Drowsy and with heavy eyes I had imagined Jacob sitting by my bedside every night, holding my hand in his, now and then his fingertips brushing against the cold skin of my face – just sitting there, being with me.

"Come in," my mother called, putting the magazine onto the overloaded table next to my bed, full with flowers, cards, candy, my never-used phone, water, tea, a sandwich she had brought with her earlier, two other magazines, my copy of _Wuthering Heights_ which Charlie had placed there but which I never touched, a remote for the television, my rings and bracelets and Renee's sunglasses.

The door opened slowly and when I saw the face that appeared behind it I felt a strange mixture between the usual disappointment and sadness and the nervousness, excitement and fear that boiled in my blood at the sight of this face.

"Hey, Bella," Mike Newton said shyly, closing the door behind him, standing in his place lost and unsure what to do or where to go.

"Mike," I murmured, exhaling the air I had been holding with a sharp hiss.

"Sit down, boy. Bella, I'll go looking for your Dad. I'll be back later," Renée said a little too quickly, almost jumping out of the chair next to my bed, grabbing her gray cardigan, bending over me to press her lips against my forehead and rushing towards the door.

She offered Mike a bright, welcoming smile and padded his shoulder, giving him no chance to say or do anything in return before quickly disappearing into the hospital hallway outside.

Uncomfortable silence enveloped us, once again the beeping of the machines around me straining my nerves and I nervously eyed Mike, who's left hand was buried in his jeans pocket while the right held on to a bouquet of yellow tulips, his own face dropped downwards.

"You can sit, if you want," I said, watching Mike's face lift and his solid expression lighten a little at my words.

He walked slowly towards me, breathing heavy, his chest heaving with the weight of each step he took.

"Here, for you," he said blankly, reaching out his hand with the flowers.

"Thank you."

I took them from his hand and placed them in my lap, neither able to do anything with them nor really eager to.

Mike sat down, still avoiding my gaze, shifting in his chair with unease.

The seconds passed by without any sign of life between us, any hint that we even realized the other was there. We just sat there, avoiding each other, trying to let time bring answers.

But time never brings answers. That I had realized long ago. Neither does is heal.

"What did they tell you, Mike?" I finally asked, the question burning on my dry lips, chapped from the too clean air inside the hospital, denied fresh, crispy air and wind for far too long now.

Mike's face lifted, facing me, eyes clouded with doubt and hesitation, his fingers balled to fists, the skin that covered his knuckles white from the force with which he held his fingers together – probably held _himself_ together.

"What is going on here, Bella? What _happened_ to you? What am I lying for? I don´t…," his angry voice faded into another silent break and I felt the urge to comfort him.

He had been pulled into this misery – he was innocent. Never ever should he have been involved in this.

"Mike… you have to tell me what they told you," I said, my voice balancing on a string between the urgency my curiosity caused and the softness that my compassion forced into me.

Mike exhaled sharply and I was surprised how _real_ Mike Newton could be. This moment of pure anger and despair was the most I ever saw of him, not the shy, good-looking, charming boy he pretended to be at school. It should never have been a surprise, but he was _real_. And he cared.

"They… it was the morning after we went to cinema. I had the flu, you know that. And… this _Sam_, I guess that was his name, he was at my house and told my mother he was a friend of yours and that you had an accident and that he needed to talk to me. You know my mum adores you, so… she let him in and… he was… weird. I asked what happened to you and he… suddenly he opened my window and then there were three other guys… they are so huge and… intimidating. And he told me that… you and…Jacob had an accident. He never really told me what it was but… he said that you guys went somewhere you should not have been and that if anyone found that out you'd be in immense trouble and that… I should… he asked me if I were willing to lie for you."

Mike's expression was one was absence, his movements still, his voice echoing in the quiet room. It was as if he tried to remember a long forgotten experience, trying to dig out old memories. Or the ones you just do not want to remember.

"I was… confused and said yes. That Sam-guy told me to pretend that we never ever went to the cinema. That you and Jacob forgot about me and went somewhere alone. He was lucky that my mother never saw you guys dropping me off at my house and that the flu prevented me from really… talking to my mum. But… I feel so guilty, Bella," he ended with despair filling his monotone voice, his hand suddenly reaching out for mine, grabbing a little to hard, the tube that still stuck in my hand causing an uncomfortable twitch.

"Bella… did Jacob do this to you? Am I covering a crime? _Please_. You have to tell me the truth. I did not tell the truth because those guys… because I was afraid. And I feel so bad about that. If someone did this to you on purpose and I am covering that up because I am… _scared_ – than… please tell me this was really an accident."

I felt worse than I had in a long time, seeing Mike in such pain, in such compassion – compassion I did not deserve.

He was leaning closer to me, an unconscious movement – trying to urge an answer out of me.

"Mike…," I whispered, afraid of what to say, afraid of my voice, ashamed of myself, "Jacob did nothing. It was… an accident. Please, just… as hard as this may sound and as much as you should not be involved in this…please just listen to what Sam tells you. He knows what to do. You are not… _covering a crime_. Please, Mike. Believe me, it is better for you if you now as little as possible."

I tried to return his hold on my hand apart from the pain, a desperate attempt to soothe him.

"But what _happened_ to you, Bel-"

Once again a knock on my door interrupted my conversation, my attempt to save Mike Newton from this world of mystery and misery I had been sucked into.

"I'm okay, Mike. It´s okay…," I whispered, another faint, pleading smile on my lips before I called "_Come in_" and let go of Mike's hand, bracing myself for the impact of disappointment that was sure to come.

Mike stood up, eying me with more concern and confusion.

"Trust me," I said quietly, watching my father balancing a piece of cake into my room.

"Hey, Mike!"

"Chief Swan," Mike said formally, nodding his head in my father's direction before crossing the room quickly and leaving without any more words for me.

"What's _his_ problem?" Charlie asked while taking in the seat Mike had abandonned, eying my overloaded bed stand and the plate with strawberry cake in his hands, shaking his head in disapproval and then turning his face back to me.

"Are _you_ alright?"

"Yeah…," I sighed, my head falling back into the pile of pillows, closing my eyes, hoping for sleep to just come and take me.

My mind wandered to places I usually avoided, the question how we could maintain this lie, what would happen to _me_, to _everyone_… to _Jacob_.

The last thing I remembered hearing was the slight smacking that came from Charlie's direction, the faint smell of strawberries and vanilla filling my nostrils before unconsciousness finally overtook my strained mind and body.

* * *

I am not too sure about the entire situation with _dropping Mike off at home after the cinema_. But I did not want to reread that part. So just pretend Mike´s mother never saw Bella and Jacob dropping him off.

In the next chapter we will finally have the **revelation** of Bella´s injuries. So stay tuned.


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